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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27200464">what remains in the ashes</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/wingsaloof/pseuds/wingsaloof'>wingsaloof</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>A3! (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst, Based on a Fanfiction, Character Study, M/M, Mentions of Chigasaki Itaru/Utsuki Chikage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 17:33:57</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>9,726</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27200464</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/wingsaloof/pseuds/wingsaloof</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Takumi Tonooka, the meaning of strength, Itaru Chigasaki, persistence, and everything in-between.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Chigasaki Itaru/Tonooka Takumi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>what remains in the ashes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">


        <li>
            Inspired by

            <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25816003">Rebirth</a> by <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChetRoi/pseuds/ChetRoi">ChetRoi</a>.
        </li>

    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>you don't need to have read rebirth for this, but why the fuck wouldn't you???? please go read the restarts duology.</p><p>ever since i read rebirth i couldn't keep its tonooka out of my mind. you can't give me a character who hooks up with his best friend in high school but isnt able to commit to him because of comphet issues and expect me to not do anything. so i let him run free. this is the result. thanks athena for letting me do this!!! </p><p>general warnings: some dialogue was lifted from rebirth (the kiss and coffee scene especifically), and some was lifted from a3 translations from yaycupcake (their dialogue after kniroun debut and most of the schoolyears part)</p><p>CONTENT WARNINGS: internalized homophobia + biphobia, mentions of toxic masculinity, parental death, a quick mention of suicide, lots of anxiety overall (if you think something else should be added, please tell me in the comments!)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The first thing Takumi Tonooka ever learned was the importance of being strong.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>To have the mental strength to make the right decisions. To be able to protect his little sister, once she had come to this world; as well as his future wife and children, whenever they were to come his way. In the words of his father, one day he was going to be the man of the house, and he had to be ready for it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>… Though he didn’t mention how to get there.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But that was his problem to deal with, and he’d find his way through it.</span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>At age thirteen, he learned that being strong worked in more than a single way. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His father’s downcast gaze felt humiliating as he left the family dojo one last time, orange belt loosely tied around his waist. It was clear as day that he hadn’t inherited a judo master’s large shoulders and huge hands. His muscles weren’t getting any thicker, either. Even if he had the technique down, he still lacked the key point all his opponents seemed to have: an appropriate body. There was still time, of course, maybe he hadn’t gone through puberty yet — even if the extra centimeters he got over summer and the voice coming out of his mouth tried to prove him wrong.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That night, his father patted his back and mumbled “that doesn’t make you any less of a man”. Old man wasn’t one for affection, he remembers, and that was probably the most loving gesture he could come up with. Well, he always said that’s how men are. Or should be. Something along these lines.</span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Takumi Tonooka was sixteen when he dominated the art of social interaction. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>So far, everything had gone according to plan — yeah, he wasn’t cut out for judo after all, and his body was still as unimpressive as it could be, but he learned to play his own cards too. A smile goes a long way, and laughing at other people’s jokes can get you some nice standing in the concrete jungle of high school. His grades might suffer a little in the process, but that’s fine; his family never really was academia-driven. As long as he doesn’t flunk, it should be fine. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>So playing the cool guy worked, even if he had to loosen his lips for a lie here and there. For example, everyone knew his family’s business, but the official version was that he quit because it was “lame” and he didn’t want to get “all muscle and no brain”. His hobbies were “listening to music and going to the movies”, and while he did enjoy both of these, he was actually saving money for a GameStation 3, not for a guitar. His friends never were invited to his house, under the guise of his father’s strict parenting, and also because hiding all those model kits away would be too much work. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But Takumi could deal with all of that, it was a small price to pay for keeping his status floating up high. It was almost fascinating how the hierarchy of his school worked, and if social ascension was a science, he might have been able to get a doctorate in it by that point. No one would think his stupid, fun-loving personality was partially manufactured… His reputation as a musclehead back in middle school certainly helped, too. His only flaw was not factoring in a burst of the bubble he crafted so carefully.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Enter Itaru Chigasaki, and Takumi’s biggest screw-up ever. </span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>He should have known better than get all excited over a damned keychain. He couldn’t go around losing his mind over stupid nerdy stuff, what a joke. Chigasaki looked like a deer in headlights, as shocked as Takumi himself felt at his own comment. The only thing he could try to do was save some face and pretend nothing happened.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Say, do you like games, Chigasaki? That’s a surprise!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The way his shoulders slowly dropped, mouth still hanging agape, was somewhat gracious, even if the word felt inappropriate to describe another guy. The afternoon light reflected ashy blond — Chigasaki’s hair had a soft gleam, and looking at his eyes, Takumi was unsure whether he had ever seen such a bright shade of pink... which might be the reason why he didn’t even think twice before inviting Chigasaki to his house. In retrospect, he had to concede that “befriending a pretty boy might be nice for my status” wasn’t his real motivation.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And that was when he first knew dread.</span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Itaru Chigasaki didn’t seem to have a lot of friends.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t talk to anyone outside of group work, and before the keychain incident, he was nothing more than a footnote in the list of Takumi’s classmates. He didn’t have any remarkable features besides his reputation as a sickly pretty boy, no relations to any of their other peers. Itaru Chigasaki lived in a corner of their classroom and watched life play itself out from there. A background character made to fill out the number of desks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s no surprise, then, that Takumi was shocked at the sheer contrast between that aloof prince and the foul-mouthed, competitive player going at his throat in fucking Moria Cart of all things. At the same time, it </span>
  <em>
    <span>did</span>
  </em>
  <span> make sense, sort of. If you asked him, he wouldn’t be able to explain why, but Chigasaki going all out when playing with him became sort of granted after a certain amount of time. He could feel Chigasaki letting loose whenever it was only the both of them, and in return, Takumi, too, came to the conclusion he could leave his guard down around his new friend.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Friend, huh.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Can you really call someone a friend when you barely talk to each other throughout the day (even if you text each other under your desk for all seven periods)? When you only see each other a couple of times every week (and then some more on the weekends), when it feels like your “friend” is a secret you’re hiding at the bottom of a drawer? Can you call someone a friend when you’re unable to say you’re truly happy whenever you spend time with them?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>hate</span>
  </em>
  <span> Chiga, not at all, dude was amazing. But something inside of Takumi felt sluggish after spending so much time with him. It was that dread from when they first met, mixed with some sort of anxiety, and then something else. Even when they weren’t together in person — hell, sometimes hearing his phone chiming with a new message was enough to trigger that sensation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chiga made him feel </span>
  <em>
    <span>something</span>
  </em>
  <span>, which wasn’t very pleasurable, but wasn’t that bad, either. The calm in the eye of a tornado, he guessed, after reading that sentence in a book for Literature class. Funny, he never was one for Humanities, but for once it all made sense to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They started interacting more outside of their afternoon escapades, though with layers and layers of pretense upon it — Chigasaki the fragile prince and Tonooka the rowdy free-spirit weren’t the best match possible, and certainly not one their classmates would expect… which would lead to questions on how did they start talking to each other, when did they become friends… way too much trouble to cover up, Takumi shrugged. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>… And there was a part of him who liked the idea of keeping his time with Chiga all to himself, he had to concede that much.</span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>At age seventeen, it seemed like Takumi Tonooka had found a real best friend for the first time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Embarrassing as it was, Chiga was the one person who knew him better than anyone else. He liked to think that went both ways, and grew used to waking up to Chiga’s sleepy face and messy hair after a sleepover. The only problem was that the dread from earlier on still seemed to stir around his belly, rising to his chest and throat whenever Chiga greeted him “good morning” in that stupid raspy voice. What the fuck was that supposed to mean, anyway?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That feeling latched upon him on the daily, creeping up to the back of his neck whenever his friend came closer to show him something on his phone, or when they smiled or laughed at each other for some unimportant reason. Takumi was sure true friendship was supposed to feel a bit better than that, shouldn’t it? Something was always off, and it was bugging him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It all came to a halt one autumn afternoon, wind stronger than expected, blowing on Itaru’s hair, sticking it up, his uniform swaying along. He asked Takumi to wait for a second while he fixed his tie and fringe, and that’s when Takumi thought—</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pull on that tie and kiss his neck. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Right now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pull him closer, hold him by his waist, and kiss the shit out of him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>What?</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>What the fuck, Tonooka?</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>It was an impulsive thought that vanished as soon as Chiga made eye contact with him and asked if there was something on his hair. There wasn’t. Why was Takumi staring, then? He wished he could answer that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t want to. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then the dread only got worse, now with a pinch of fear to go along with it. </span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Takumi had to get that straight… no puns intended, but Takumi had to get that straight: he wasn’t gay. He wasn’t attracted to men, he had no interest in other guys, even if they were 2D. Chiga was an outlier and should not be counted. After all, he was the resident pretty boy, that’s his effect on people sometimes. Maybe he’s spending too much time with Chiga and too little time with girls. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Takumi’s straight as one could be, he was sure of that! The stash of magazines hidden inside his closet told him so. The small pile of dating sims on his shelf reassured him of that, and so did his convos with Mayu from class D, and Aya from class A, and his underclassman Meiko from that group date he went to. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Takumi Tonooka was a healthy heterosexual male, who was strictly interested in females. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Itaru Chigasaki was a boy so good looking, it defied the norms of sexuality. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>That was all there was to it. Period.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And didn’t that happen in manga and games all the time? It wasn’t the first time he met a cute boy, he just never thought much of it. Sometimes, when you’re in high school, you can get close (a bit too close) to a friend of the same gender, but it all goes away when you graduate! That must have been it. He was just going through a phase. Girls did that all the time, didn’t they? At least they did in fiction. They hang out and mess around a little just to get some practice so they can make good girlfriends for their future partners. That kind of thing happens sometimes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe some guys did that too. But Takumi wasn’t like that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not at all.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>So, of course, as the perfectly normal dude he was, he kept acting as if nothing happened. Because nothing happened. It was just a fleeting thought. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Except something</span>
  <em>
    <span> did</span>
  </em>
  <span> happen, and then it happened again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(I want to hold his hand.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>(His eyes are so pretty.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>(The way he laughs is way too cute.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(His hair must be so soft. It smells so good.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(I want to try kissing him.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It would take him half a decade to admit it, but at age seventeen, Takumi Tonooka fell in love for the first time, with another man.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was absolutely terrifying.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He wanted to indulge in it, and his sense of self-restraint was awful.</span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>He made his way to Itaru’s house around dusk, a path already familiar to his feet. Mr. Chigasaki was away on a business trip, Mrs. Chigasaki made some wonderful pasta, and Ayaka, halfway through her fifth semester of her International Relations major, was busy studying for an exam… all in all, it meant Takumi and Itaru would have the night to themselves. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>… And they spent it playing Moria Cart, because why the hell not? He couldn’t get tired of spinning that rubber wheel around; motion controls were the future of gaming, indeed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Though that was only an expression, because he was starting to get tired, indeed... but he didn’t want to stop playing. Not right then. Just one more time, so they could stay up a little longer, just one more time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>If he won that round… a small promise to himself, but if victory was his, then he’d give into his thoughts. Just a little.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hell yeah!” He roared after crossing the finish line, startling Itaru, who promptly hit him with a pillow. Oh, fuck, he could have woken everyone up, no? And maybe his sister was still up, studying. What time was it, again?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did you forget it’s fucking 3 am?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He did, actually.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>With a half-hearted apology, he lowered his tone to a whisper. Not that it truly mattered — Chiga went back to munching his loud as hell greasy chips. That part of him… wasn’t charming as his school self, or charming at all, to be fair; but there was something amusing, nonetheless, in seeing him wolf down his snacks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His legs were starting to itch. Oh, man, he won, he really was going to do it, huh?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once he got a perfect excuse for turning the TV off, it was like courage had been ejected into Takumi. In the dark, it was easier to be aware it was only the two of them; it was easier to detach himself from everything that meant. It’s easier to lay yourself bare if no one can see it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whatcha wanna talk about?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t account for that dread to start stirring up again. Fucking hell, Takumi thought as it crawled up to his throat, a strong hold choking his words down. Anxiety had an iron grip on him, and he went from stretching around to completely paralyzed. Moonlight still allowed him to see how Itaru paled, eyes slowly widening in feelings he recognized as not unlike his own. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>… So it really was like that, huh. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He might have a real chance.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“Chiga, weird question, but have you had your first kiss yet?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I asked if you had your first kiss yet.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Man, no way he could do this with a straight (once again, pun not intended) face. He felt like changing topics, playing it off, saying he’d hook Chiga up with one of their classmates if he wanted it. There were so many cute girls in their year. There would be even cuter girls when they got to college. Itaru would have no trouble getting any of them, and neither would Takumi. They could hang out on double dates and complain about their girlfriends to each other. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not yet.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That was a tangible future until he looked up and found Chiga’s bright pink eyes staring at him, full of barely-concealed anticipation. The way his mouth hung slightly agape, just like when they first met, pulled at his heartstrings. Something warm overthrew the dread grabbing at him, and now it made its way out from his chest, reaching every corner of his skin, dying it red. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wanna kiss then?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What…?” Chiga, too, had it overtaking him, or at least that’s what it looked like. His cheeks bloomed in a beautiful shade of crimson, his voice muffled and squeaked out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m asking if you want to kiss.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He could do it. He was about to do it. He only needed the ‘okay’ to proceed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But why?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Man, you can’t ask me something I can’t answer out loud’, he wanted to reply, but it would ruin every semblance of an  atmosphere he managed to build. What could be convincing enough… </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, all of my friends had gotten their first kiss already and I’m feeling kinda left out.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Would that even fly with Chiga? He knew of all of the girls who hung around him… but he also knew how he chatted them up but never really got anywhere with any of them. It was a good excuse to let Chiga back out of it if he was uncomfortable, the whole ‘no feelings attached’ deal. Takumi wanted it to be like that, too.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why are you asking me then? Lots of girls like you.” Itaru looked at him in genuine disbelief. Not a good excuse, huh?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Why him… once again, why him? Young Takumi would have liked to know the answer to that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I still want to lose my kiss with someone special.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That excuse felt a bit too true when it came out of his lips. Way more than Takumi would have liked it to sound. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But it seemed to work, as Itaru slowly went into overdrive. His gaze blanked out into space, blush growing more and more intense. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I- I see.” He babbled out, visibly dazed. Takumi discarded any chances of playing it off as a joke; it would be too cruel of him to simply brush it away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After all, it was obvious Chiga liked him</span>
  <em>
    <span> like that</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’d just give him one last chance to back out of it, and he’d gladly pretend none of that ever happened.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is that a yes?” He tried to emulate his best ‘confident’ glance. “It’s fine if you say no, y’know. Don’t wanna force you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Takumi was about to add ‘if you want to, we can pretend this conversation never happened’, but then his answer came in a stutter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s… It’s fine.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Did he </span>
  <em>
    <span>really</span>
  </em>
  <span> want to do that?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s fine to do what?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Was he aware he was about to kiss another man?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And he was okay with that?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine… to kiss... me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you sure? I’m being serious when I say that you can say no.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(Come on, Chiga, this is your last chance to run away.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sure. Kiss me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(Aw, man, fuck it.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well… okay. If you say it’s fine.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Still, Takumi took his damned time to get to Itaru. First moving from floor to bed, then actually drawing closer to the other boy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(Push me away. Don’t let me do this to you.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His hand was now right on Itaru’s side, pushing into the mattress.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(You still can give it up, Chiga. All of this is ridiculous.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Their thighs brushed as Tonooka shuffled his weight around.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(I am being ridiculous.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hand moving up to Itaru’s chin, he leaned in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(I hope you won’t stop being my friend after this.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Itaru mirrored his movement, head tilting slightly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(I’m so sorry.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Their lips touched, sealing the deal. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>… And then Takumi pulled away as quickly as he could, said ‘good night’ and moved to his futon. All things included, it </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span> an awful kiss and Chiga was terrible at it, but what Takumi truly despised was how happy he felt for finally doing it, how his insanely fast heartbeat wouldn’t let him fall asleep, and how much he desired for more of it. </span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>They didn’t stop being friends after that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They just started doing more stuff out of hanging out and gaming. Sometimes they’d make out instead of going to sleep. Every now and then they’d go to a different place other than an arcade after class. Sometimes they’d share a way too small futon, and Itaru held onto his hand under the blankets.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Of course, that kind of stuff only happened whenever they were at the Chigasaki household. The Tonooka family had no sense of privacy and his father woke up at the crack of dawn, sometimes roping both Itaru and Takumi into a morning jog, or into helping him set the dojo up for morning classes. Sometimes, the old man cracked a joke about how Itaru should work out a little more, or how it was too bad his youngest daughter was too young to marry Itaru once he graduated from high school. He used to say he’d be glad to hand his little baby over to a respectful guy like him, as long as Takumi was fine with it too.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Takumi wasn’t a fan of the weird laugh Itaru would let out to please his father. He preferred being dragged into a morning run — the idea of exercising before eight sounded awful, but Mr. Tonooka would leave the duo to their own devices while pacing ahead, not speeding down to match their steps. On the other hand, as the good friend he was, Takumi kept a similar pace to Itaru (or at least kept a pace that wouldn’t kill him). While at it, they had the chance to look at the sunrise, only the two of them walking down the riverbank.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t that much of a bad thing to go through.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They’d have the rest of the day to themselves, after all. They could go downtown and have lunch together, spend the afternoon at a nearby mall, going to a bookshop, or an arcade. They could hang out at the park near the station, and chat about whatever was going on. Takumi could buy him a keychain, and Itaru would show up next Monday with a similar one in exchange. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then they could go back to Itaru’s house, where his father was always traveling, his mother and sister were always out for dinner with a friend, and only the two of them existed in that world.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>… the two of them and Lancelot.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But Tonooka wouldn’t spend the night kissing the main character from the Knights of Round series. </span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Being</span>
  <em>
    <span> like that </span>
  </em>
  <span>with Chiga was one hell of a tightrope. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kissing him felt good, holding his hand was nice. The feeling whenever he made Itaru smile was </span>
  <em>
    <span>amazing</span>
  </em>
  <span>. But he didn’t love Chiga (his future self would like to have a word with him on that). At the end of the day, he liked girls; no matter how much time he spent with Itaru, there was something in them that still was alluring to him. Therefore, concrete proof he wasn’t gay. Chiga was at once his best friend and a stepping stone to get into more serious relationships later. As he concluded earlier, it was a phase.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Someday he’d look back and laugh fondly at all of it, or be disgusted by it, who knows. His wife would never hear about this from him, for sure. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The only thing Takumi wondered about was until when that could go on. Until he or Chiga fell in love with a girl? Until they graduated from high school? One day, he could wake up and go ‘hey, I think that’s enough, we should stop doing this’. The thought lived rent-free in his mind, nagging at him every morning before the alarm rang. He felt like things were getting </span>
  <em>
    <span>too</span>
  </em>
  <span> serious, too much for two bored kids playing boyfriend-and-girlfriend on weekends.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So maybe that’s why rather than feeling like he had been dumped, the idea of not touching Chiga anymore felt freeing at first. But then that too-familiar dread showed up again, a little different, but still gripping at his throat, squeezing it until tears came to his eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>What did that even mean?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Takumi only knew that sensation was scary as fuck.</span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>So that’s how it ended: not with a clear confession, not with a ‘thank you’, not with a laugh and a promise to forget any of that happened.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It ended just like it started: in a corner of their classroom, with KniRoun at the forefront. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>What a couple of fucking nerds, Takumi thought years later. </span><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The payback of Takumi and Itaru hanging out even at school was that he couldn’t have his best friend all to himself anymore. He didn’t mind — good for Chiga, really — and he knew Itaru would drop everything once Takumi approached him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It seemed like it was one of these days — their class had just ended and they had plans to check a new arcade out that evening, so Tonooka made his way towards his friend’s desk. Hanging out next to him was another one of their classmates (Nakashima? Takamura?), and they were idly chatting about some topic he couldn’t quite catch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Here’s the deal: he never was able to surprise Chiga. Whenever he stepped closer, the boy would just look up and go ‘hey, Tono, what’s up?’. Needless to say, the routine followed like always.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Until an extra question was made after it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, hey, Tonooka. Nakamura-kun just got KniRoun VII. Got any tips for him?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Takumi felt the blood draining from his face, the pressure around him dropping and crashing against his ears. Did he— Did Chiga just say that? Wasn’t that supposed to be their secret? Did he really just ask him about KniRoun in the middle of the classroom, in front of another person, as if asking what he had for lunch?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>What else was he willing to talk about that openly?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Face contorted into a frown, Tonooka turned around and marched out of the classroom, shoes heavy on his feet. His ears burning, his throat knotting into tie after tie, his stomach curling into itself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He just wanted to run away.</span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>At age seventeen, Takumi Tonooka had his world turned upside down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He had made an unusual friend, a pretty boy who he ended up involved with. A pretty boy whose features he knew like his way home. A pretty boy who bared all of himself to Takumi, beyond what was hidden under his uniform. Takumi trusted him. It was the best friendship he ever had in all of his short, but still eventful, life.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then the motherfucker decided to spill everything. It was only a question about a game, but that could be only the start of it. Chiga could wake up tomorrow and announce to the whole school that he, Takumi Tonooka, was a fucking nerd. That he dropped judo because he was too weak for it. That he only pretended to look cool so everyone would love him. That he was just starved for attention. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He could go up to the rooftop and shout about how Takumi Tonooka kissed another man. How Takumi held his hand and made out with him. How Takumi liked having his neck kissed, how Takumi’s favorite date spot was the American-themed snack bar next to the station, and how Takumi liked buying matching stuff.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And if that ever happened, Takumi would kill himself before Itaru got to the neck part. </span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>He didn’t have the luxury of waiting; Takumi unleashed his counter-attack the next morning. He had to shut Chiga up before he could say anything else. If he let one more info out, it could be his demise, but if he spilled everything he knew about Itaru instead, then people would brush the truth off as jealous comments. Of course, he’d have to let the intimate bits out — confessing to Itaru being into him meant he, too, would out himself, and avoiding that was the final goal. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It didn’t take him long to find a chance — people knew Chigasaki and him were basically attached at the hip, so if he wasn’t around, they’d ask Tonooka about him… which was the perfect chance.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, man, you have no idea of what I found out yesterday.”</span><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>By the time seventh period was over, Takumi had used his web of information well enough to feel reassured that no one would take any claims about him as real. Still, a small group of two or three of his deskmates approached him after class, during cleaning.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Tonooka, is the deal about Chigasaki true?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What deal?” Of course, he still had to feign some innocence. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“About him lying about everything!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I heard something about that from Tanaka, he told me to ask you about it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, so it’s about that…” Takumi dramatically threw his head back, hand waving in the air. “That guy’s actually a legit nerd, you see.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ehh?” Their voices raised in pitch. “No way.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He doesn’t seem like that at all, though.” One of the guys sat on the empty desk by his side.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“For real.” He turned towards him. “Him being sickly is a lie too; he just skips gym class because he seriously sucks at sports. He misses PKs in soccer too. Funny, right.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And a wide grin, for emphasis.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ha, for real. I just imagined it. It was hilarious.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Great, they bought it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s with that?” A girl put a hand on her waist, weight shifting to one leg. “We thought he was sick but he was just skipping. Isn’t that awful?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Some of them started laughing, and Takumi joined into the fun. ‘What a relief’, he thought, ‘I’m saved’. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Until the laughter stopped and he had to open his eyes to find out why.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Itaru Chigasaki stood at the door, but his eyes didn’t have the “deer in headlights” look Takumi expected from him. In fact, he couldn’t see anything. Chiga’s face was devoid of expression as he walked to his desk and got whatever he came for.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So that's how it was? No reaction? He started it and he was not going to say a single thing?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Takumi couldn’t even think of hoping his irritation wouldn’t show through his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That guy’s gotta hear it from him — and so he left the group behind, no excuses needed. Slow as he was, Takumi caught up to him right away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oi, wait! Chiga!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He expected Itaru to stop and turn around, tears in his eyes. Reality brought him the incessant thud of him walking away from Takumi.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... What?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>What? What was he supposed to do? Should he confront Itaru on what happened yesterday? Should he start a fight, throwing the first punch? The fuck was he supposed to do? His feet felt heavy again, dragging him down; tie too tight around his throat, blazer too warm, making him boil inside it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Takumi was drowning. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“—ngh, you can leak my hobbies to the guys in class too.” The words came out with heavy effort, a desperate measure for the most desperate time he had ever gone through.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... I won’t do something that requires that much effort. I don’t care.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>These words were supposed to relieve him, Tonooka thought. It meant Chiga wouldn’t say a thing about him, about</span>
  <em>
    <span> them</span>
  </em>
  <span>, to anyone. It meant they had finally reached the end of it, and Takumi was free of feeling afraid and dreadful. It was supposed to feel good.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not like he was about to burst into loud, ugly crying right in the middle of the hallway.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Chigasaki changed classes a week later. Takumi didn’t hear a lot about him after that — people found another rumor to entertain themselves with, so, of course, he followed the tide and moved on to the next topic. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Two months before turning eighteen, Takumi Tonooka graduated from high school. He gave all of the buttons on his blazer to girls whose faces or names he can’t remember, and his underclassmen asked him to promise he would show up at their next parties. He got admitted into a nice university, school of business administration. Good enough for him, he thought during the entrance ceremony. Too bad he’d have to wear suits for the rest of his life.</span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Takumi Tonooka was nineteen when he got into his first serious relationship.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They met at lunch; she was a friend of a friend. She was four months younger than him, majored in architecture, and wasn’t a fan of parties. Her name was Hana, her favorite food was salad, and she didn’t pay him much mind when they first met.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was very beautiful. They dated for a long ten months, burning passion slowly giving its way to resigning and complacency. They fell out of love pretty quick but remained friends. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dating someone was just like Takumi expected it to be. He practiced for it, he had some experience — of course, Hana and Itaru were very different people, but it was impossible to not compare them. In the end, both of them were the only people Takumi ever… </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They were very important to him, in one way or another.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Takumi and Hana kissed, held hands, went on dates, met each other’s family. Just like planned, just like it should be. He genuinely liked her and wanted that relationship to last. It felt different from flirting around, sending messages to every cute girl who caught his eye. It was very underwhelming. </span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>One early spring morning, right before Takumi started his third year of college, Mr. Tonooka passed away. A fulminant heart attack while he was asleep. It all happened very fast — his sister, already a highschooler by this point, missed a day of class. The dojo was passed on to their uncle, father’s younger brother. Both siblings did their best to comfort their mother, who looked absolutely devastated. For once, Takumi was glad he didn’t have anyone who could make him feel that strongly. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>His sister confided to him a couple of months later, a terrible thing to say out loud — “It's awful, but I feel relieved, for some reason.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They were hanging out in his room, both lounging on opposite ends of the bed. “Father wasn’t a bad guy, he was just overbearing”, Takumi defended him. He was aware his sister had the worst of it — couldn’t go out after sunset, couldn’t hang out with boys, couldn’t paint her nails or wear certain dresses or skirts without a barrage of complaints, but… he wasn’t abusive, violent, or anything worth despising. He just wanted to take care of them. That’s why he wanted Takumi to be strong. That’s why he wanted his only son to be powerful, a guardian, a real man. He just wanted them to grow into fine people.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Isn’t he the reason why you had to break up with Chigasaki?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Takumi choked, saliva clogging his throat. “I did what?!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was a child, but you couldn’t fool me, Takumi.” His sister rolled around in bed. “You two were really cute together. Mom liked him, too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We never were like that, Hiyori.” Recomposing himself, he straightened his posture. “I’m not gay. Neither was he, as far as I know.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Instead of a verbal answer, Hiyori glared daggers at him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Even dad was starting to catch on to it, brother. Said it was strange for two guys to hang out like that all the time.” She rested her chin on her hands. “I thought you two had some sort of talk, and then you broke up with Chigasaki.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hiyori. I’m not gay.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I spent almost the entirety of last year dating a woman.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, at least you have a nice taste for people.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Takumi decided to ignore that comment. “Then why do you think I was dating Chiga— saki?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Because I had two eyes and was old enough to understand what being in love looks like.” She stood up from his bed, heading towards the door. “And you don’t need to be gay to like another guy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you aware of how ridiculous that sounds?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you aware you don’t need to pick only one option?” Hiyori stopped at the doorstep, looking wise beyond her sixteen years. “Do some thinking, brother. Reflect on it. Or Google it. I don’t care how you get to your answer, as long as you reach it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And then she left, footsteps echoing down the stairs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>What the actual, everliving fuck? </span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>It took Takumi so long to think about it, he was already twenty-one when he considered the idea again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He Googled it like his sister commanded. It came up with a lot of results for ‘bisexuality’. It… didn’t make a lot of sense, really. How can you like both sexes? Like, being gay was fine and all, some people were born like that, no problem, but aiming for being both straight and gay at once was overkill. The world didn’t work like that, he shook his head as he closed his internet browser. The kind of stuff people like to come up with, what the hell…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It didn’t make a speck of sense... until he caught himself staring at a cute guy who sat two rows down. Until he saw a couple making out around a corner of the campus and he couldn’t tell who he felt jealous of. Until he managed to hook up with a girl after a party. Until that cute guy still caught his eye the morning after. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Takumi Tonooka… might like both guys and girls.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He might have been in love with Itaru Chigasaki when they were seventeen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was stupid as fuck.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was also pretty sure this should be a mind-blowing conclusion to come to, but it was just opening a door he already knew it was unlocked. He just had some trouble with the doorknob.</span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Speaking of the internet, isn’t it an amazing place? You can connect to people all over the world, bond over all kinds of interests, and watch some guys trying to play Kniroun for the first time without a walkthrough. Streaming had just started to catch on, but Takumi had his interest drawn from day one. It was an interesting phenomenon from a professional point of view… and a nice pastime from a personal opinion. He liked to watch people playing over his dinner, something much easier for the stomach than the daily news. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>… Or so he thought until he came across a certain channel.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The player had no camera on, but his voice was way too familiar. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That reminds me, I knew a guy back in high school who tried to speedrun VII only with the starter sword, no potions allowed. Fucking loser, of course he failed halfway through the second dungeon. Dumbass.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The stories, too, brought him many memories.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Every time I go up against this boss I remember the one time I tried to cast Heal on myself and it ended up cast on him. There was this bug at the time, they patched it on the International Version. I was about to die, so was he, and then he got like over 500 HP on my behalf. I rage quit, I couldn’t do it! I was so mad I sent End Links an email rambling over it…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>What were the chances of that? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, guys, thanks for joining me tonight. Taruchi signing off.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At age twenty-two, Takumi Tonooka had, once again, found Itaru Chigasaki.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That night, he didn’t touch his rice, appetite completely lost. So after all that drama, he was now out there streaming online, babbling about gaming to anyone who wanted to hear? After all that effort to hide it, Chiga now blasted to the world about how much he loved KniRoun? What the fuck? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Needless to say, he was very riled up. But he also started believing in miracles after clicking that video.</span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>The proposals started flooding his mailbox, both in real life and online, six months before his graduation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It seemed like it was job recruitment time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>All in all, Takumi had been a better college student than one would expect when looking at his high school report card. He had enough to his name to make him look like a desirable employee, along with the interpersonal skills listed on his resume. The only bad part of it was going through all the business cards and letters. Tokyo Insurance, Green Ball, Seven Investments… Name after name, position after position. Takumi had plenty of options, which was great, but man, was it troublesome to find work.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Halfway through the pile, he was starting to feel out of it, which explained why he didn’t even blink twice when seeing the name “End Links”.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Until it hit him, and he furiously started flipping through the ‘discarded’ list.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Walking through the doors of the End Links headquarters was like being transported to another world, in best isekai fashion.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Even after being promoted from his internship, even getting his own position at the PR department, even after one, two, three years — it felt amazing. Every morning, Takumi would marvel at the atmosphere there, like a child on Christmas morning. For once, he could say he loved what he was doing; finally finding a place where he could fit in. He didn’t need to play the cool guy among the bunch of nerds they had in there, and for an outsider, working at a game company didn’t necessarily mean he was into gaming. He didn’t even work with games directly, so it was easy to dispel any assumptions. The perfect circumstances came his way and he managed to get the best of both worlds. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The benefits of that job couldn’t be calculated.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Takumi Tonooka was twenty-four when he finally saw Itaru Chigasaki in person again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t a dramatic meeting, no feelings were running high. In fact, Chiga couldn’t even react for a split second — Takumi felt way more satisfied than he should when seeing that old “deer in headlights” look, though a bit more concealed than it was during their teenage years.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The people from Mankai Company demanded explanations right away, as expected. Takumi covered their bases with the sum of it, the shallow summary. Chiga nodded here and there at some points, and everyone was satisfied with it. They could move on as fast as possible to the topic in hand, and Takumi held back a sigh of relief. No need to get personal and professional matters tangled. Chigasaki seemed to agree with him, and stayed as quiet as possible; only a small reaction when he mentioned the new KniRoun title, and then…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... Which number is being adapted?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oh, man, that was going to be worth it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re thinking of IV.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The sparkle in Chiga’s eyes was worth coming all the way to Mankai Company. Again, Takumi had to restrain himself — he was still as cute as he was back in high school. Once a pretty boy, always a pretty boy? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Could you let the Spring Troupe take this play with me as the lead?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>… though some things </span>
  <em>
    <span>did </span>
  </em>
  <span>change, after all. The Chigasaki he knew would never draw attention to himself like that, he would never put himself in the spotlight. The fact he had gotten into theatre and streaming was proof of that, too.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>What happened to Chiga after they left high school? Where was he working at? When did he start streaming online? How did he get into acting? What was his college life like? Did he ever find anyone he could trust again? Did he fall in love with someone else? Was he still mad at Takumi? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once he was facing Itaru again, he realized: there was so much he wanted to know. There was so much he wanted to say. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe that was part of another miracle promised to him: a second chance at his relationship with Itaru; a second chance at being himself. A second chance at love and life.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Takumi fucked up a lot of times, but he wouldn’t let it happen again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s been a while, so why don’t we go for a drink? We have lots to catch up on, after all.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I apologize, but I’ll be busy preparing for the collaborative play.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>… Even if it took him a while to get Chigasaki to open up again.</span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>His initial excitement had been burned down to a crisp. Throughout the meetings and preparations, Takumi didn’t get a simple glimpse of Chiga, not even once. It seemed like his ex was actively avoiding him. He still streamed regularly, so it wasn’t a matter of being too busy or any other similar excuses.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Week after week passed in expectation, until he was summoned for a readthrough as End Links’ middleman. There was no way Chiga could escape from a rehearsal of a play where he’s the lead! It was the perfect chance to strike something up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Except Hoshii basically decimated them with kindness, and even Takumi himself had to admit that wasn’t the best opportunity to try to make a pass at someone. In fact, he probably would have to work overtime after that, so all that was left was to pray that he’d bump into Chigasaki somehow.</span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>As expected, his boss changed his mind, and now all of his (and Mankai’s) work so far would go down the drain… which would suck beyond the unpaid overtime. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>How to change the mind of the God of KniRoun?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The deal with Hoshii was that he wasn’t the most flexible person in the world. Actually, that’s what made KniRoun what it was — he didn’t budge to demands from the higher-ups or his teammates during the production of I, defending his vision of the world and the production. It paid off, but it also validated him to keep doing things that way. In summary, he wouldn’t listen to Tonooka himself, nor any of their workmates. He wouldn’t listen to anyone from Mankai Company. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He did listen to his fans, though, so there was one sliver of hope.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Which brought him to his second question: what would make KniRoun fans want to go watch the stage play? Besides the obvious reasons, that is. He needed something extra, a bonus to boost the motivations of the fandom. Something beyond the usual promotions. How much was their budget for PR again? He could hire a person or two to get the word out there, leak something to the right person. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Or he could just spare himself of all that trouble and go to the lead actor himself.</span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Enter Chikage Utsuki.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Getting defensive over your workmate is one thing. He didn’t expect everyone to be on board with it right away, after all. Start to sound just a tad bit aggressive over it, though… isn’t that too much? If it was Chiga himself saying it, it would be one thing, but like, accusing him of contacting Mankai for the stage play just so he could expose Chigasaki? Did Utsuki even know about their previous story? Even if he did, it was a wild exaggeration.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Takumi didn’t like him; which, to his despair, seemed to be the exact opposite of the opinion Chigasaki had of the guy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Again, playing around with your co-lead on stage is one thing. But the idea of Utsuki and Chiga huddled up, playing Kniroun together, Itaru teaching him everything he knew about the game, made him uneasy. Their chemistry was on top shape, and it seemed to extend to outside of the theatre, stirring that old dread inside him once again… except this time he could put a name to it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was jealous of Chikage Utsuki. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“... Ugh, you really are here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not off to a good start, huh?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... Hey. Your first day stage greeting was good.” Takumi wanted to try getting on Itaru’s good graces first, but that cold reaction left him a bit more apprehensive than he’d like to admit. “About high school, I…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ahh, you don’t have to apologize.” Chigasaki looked as unbothered as a man could. “I don’t care.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Strike one. It was okay, Takumi still knew how to fight back. “You're going to leave it as a heartwarming tale like that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“To say I was betrayed by that friend and parted ways with them after is just unnecessary detail. I simply wrapped it up neatly.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Strike two.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... You really are putting on a good front, aren't you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Same to you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Strike three, and out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fuck Itaru Chigasaki, and not in the way Takumi wanted to when he was seventeen.</span><br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>They parted ways without any fanfare, just light tension hanging over their polite goodbyes. Takumi was fuming at first, but mellowed over the days. In fact, he even started to get</span>
  <em>
    <span> fond </span>
  </em>
  <span>of their exchange. Though more passive-aggressive than anything previous, it reminded him of their endless banter back then. Which in turn reminded him of the sweeter moments, which in turn reminded him of the more intimate moments, and so on.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Takumi Tonooka deeply missed his ex-boyfriend.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Despite his resolve to not do it, he fucked up one more time. How many chances did he still have left? How many opportunities to mend things with Itaru?</span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Albeit a little late, his prayers for a chance meeting with Chigasaki were heard.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Finding him at a corner of a convenience store was lucky enough, but managing to rope him into having a coffee break together? That was like the real-life equivalent of pulling a UR on five stones... </span>
</p><p>
  <span>… or at least an SR, because Chigasaki himself didn’t look so pleased with their outing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You okay, Chiga? You’re looking kinda out of it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It wouldn’t hurt to check up on him, right? Sound a bit gentlemanly and all. Maybe it’s hunger — he had a bag of chips (same brand as before) and a pack of sandwiches on him when they met. He ordered a latte (same order as before) and started to sip on it. Same old, same new. Or so that’s what he hoped.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m fine, Tonooka, I didn’t expect to go from a quick snack run to this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It didn’t take long for Itaru to start blocking his attacks. These days, he resembled one of those cats who hiss at everything you say or do. Tough crowd. Once he defused the small bomb, Takumi moved on to his next attempt:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, how are you doing?” He sipped on his coffee. “Your streams don’t tell me much about your private life.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Streams aren’t supposed to tell you about my life. Me as a streamer is different than me normally.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know. That’s why I’m asking you about how you’re doing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Touché.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(So, Chiga, how are you going to deflect that now?)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m doing fine. What about you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(A blasé answer.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m also doing fine.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s good to hear.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(One more time.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How is your job?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fine. How’s your job?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(Time to rile him up a little. Let’s get him excited.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Also fine. I get to see God a lot.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This is where Itaru was supposed to start fanboying and flooding Takumi with questions about the daily life at End Links. Unfortunately, like it always had been, Itaru was quick to push him off his high horse.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s good. Nice to see that the lesser fan of KniRoun gets to compensate his love with interactions with God.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>(Uh-oh, not the best outcome. Let’s try something different, one more time.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I see someone’s jealous of me. Figures.” Takumi fake-scorned, trying to settle their rhythm into friendly banter instead. That had always gotten him. It should get Chiga too.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why would I be jealous of you?” His voice almost creaked, speech rising in speed. “You’re not the person that’s known to be one of the biggest KniRoun streamers.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(Hook, line, and sinker.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t get all riled up now, Chiga. It’s unbecoming.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know what you mean. I’m not riled up at all.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Time to appeal with a little more strength. “I know you too well, Chiga. I know that voice. That look in your eye.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It might have been cheap sensationalism, but it wasn’t a lie. Even after all these years, Takumi still recognized Itaru’s little quirks and habits. He still remembered much of him and about him; he never forgot his way home, or to the arcade, or to the park. It took a lot of struggling, thinking, and reflection to reach where he was now, but he was ready to try again, and again, and again, until they were each other’s again, this time officially. He hoped Itaru, too, could recognize that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You </span>
  <em>
    <span>did</span>
  </em>
  <span> know me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The only problem is that Takumi wasn’t the one calling the shots over how many tries he still had.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then, I would like to get you to know you now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Takumi Tonooka wasn’t the kind of man who went down with a single blow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, thanks.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>No matter how much they discussed over it, and how much he tried to press on. Itaru didn’t budge, no matter how conflicted he looked. It was</span>
  <em>
    <span> ridiculous </span>
  </em>
  <span>how much he was stuck in the past, and how unwilling he was to hear Takumi. He was about to reach his wit’s end, trying to understand what he should do next; until the most obvious explanation in the world reached out and slapped him across the face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You have a partner, huh.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>No questions were made.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So what if I do? None of your business.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s that green-haired guy, right… Utsuki-san?” Again, a question just for the sake of itself. There was no other option. “The one who was on my ass about exposing taruchi”, he added, to no reaction. Interesting. “Hm. So that’s your type. He was Gawain in the play, right? I guess you guys say Lanwain rights.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Takumi dished poorly-thought jokes in hopes of distracting Itaru from how distraught he felt. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I really don’t know how that’s any of your concern.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>If this was a dating sim, the choice system on his UI would be blaring fireworks off at a certain option.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, it is my concern”, he reached out for Itaru’s hand. “Because I want you back.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Except he couldn’t go all the way, freezing mid-air. He… should have done this a long time ago, shouldn’t he?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t we actually have to date first in order to ‘get back together’?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ah, the too-familiar uneasiness whenever Chiga was around him was settling back. By this point, it almost felt nostalgic.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Huh?” Takumi blinked. “We were together. Did you forget high school?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt like laughing, he really did. What the hell? Was he going to start flat out denying everything they had gone through together?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As Itaru kept deflecting Takumi, it was evident: no infinite amount of chances could redeem his huge first mistake. It wasn’t even that he shouldn’t have exposed Itaru — he shouldn’t have denied himself, or his boyfriend. He shouldn’t have calculated every single action or friend he made. He shouldn’t have let himself, his reputation, his image get to his head, he shouldn’t have let it come before his happiness.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shouldn’t…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shouldn’t,</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He should try to at least make Itaru hear him out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Takumi started pleading. He started begging, making a fool of himself, ignoring the fact he was trying to woo someone who already had a boyfriend, ignoring where they were. He asked again and again, trying to come back up for air every time Itaru rejected him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>(One more time.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(One more time,)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(one more time,)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There’s no buts. I’m taken, you were stupid, our relationship got destroyed in high school. Life goes on.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The waves crashed at his feet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then answer me this.” The words fled from his mouth, faster than thought. “Is it going well?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The silence allowed him to regain one last burst of confidence.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“... Yeah, it’s going well.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(At least I still can tell when he’s lying.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t sound too sure.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I’m sure.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Takumi started his pleading again, but it didn’t last long — once Itaru cut him off one last time, he realized: Game Over. He had used all of his coins.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Which, frankly, pissed him off.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Whatever came after that was a blur — he probably scowled, called Chigasaki names, lost his temper in the middle of a coffee shop. Fuck it, really. It was too much effort for a high school fling he had. His ex walked away as Takumi cursed him, his relationship, and his fate. It was all he could do to not break on the spot, to not run after Itaru, sobbing while throwing himself at his feet, fucking weakling he was.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Itaru Chigasaki had moved on to a new life.</span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Takumi Tonooka, left behind, had no choice but to at least finish his coffee. The sugar made him want to throw up, but, alas, he still was in the middle of the town, wearing his not-so-cheap suit. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The rest of the day flew against his eyes. He was clearly out of it, and almost relieved when a senior patted his back and said “you must be having it rough, call it a day” at seven o’clock. He complied, and the next thing he remembers is crashing against his couch.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ten years of effort, all wasted because he was a fucking dumbass. A blockhead unable to express himself. A self-centered prick. Did Takumi ever like himself, or did he just like how he looked to other people? Sure, he loved his job, he liked his accomplishments, but he couldn’t tell when was the last time he truly felt good about who he was. It was almost amazing how long it took for him to realize that. It was frustrating, too, how he only realized what he did wrong, or what he should have done, only after it was over, several times. And even after that, once he had another chance, he reverted to his old habits and screwed everything over one more time, just for good measure, it seems. He was always running away… the one thing his father said he should never do.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thinking of it, he never learned what being strong was. He thought he did, but the only strength he had was his ability to keep trying over and over. You could call it stubbornness, but it was all he had, and he held on to it as long as he could…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>… only for everything to go wrong every time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As bitter as that sounded, Chiga was now in the arms of that ugly boyfriend of his, living his best life, shouting to everyone how much he loves his hobbies. Bitch still had the nerve to talk back to him; at least Takumi doesn’t live a double life anymore. Fucker.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>… And that is why he could never have Itaru again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He never quite understood why Chigasaki made him feel so strongly ever since they met. It was a toss-up between how he symbolized everything he wanted to hide, and how he was the only chance he had at being sincere. If only he had a time machine, if only he could be reborn into this world once again…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>If only,</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(one more time,)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(one more time,)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>(one more time,)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At age twenty-five, Takumi Tonooka would do anything for a chance to start over again.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>
  <i>Achievement Unlocked: If you're making fic, and I'm making fic of your fic, then who's flying the plane?</i>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>thank you very much for reading! </p><p>my girlfriend became obsessed with tonooka as i wrote this and you can read me complaining about it on my <a href="https://twitter.com/wingsaloof">twitter</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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